Yesterday we received a very unexpected phone call from Ellie's surgeon, cancelling her surgery scheduled for tomorrow. Details are here. To say we were stunned would be an understatement.
I wrote a few weeks ago about I how I had been trying to prepare myself for Ellie to have this surgery. I have never felt peace about going forward with it so soon. There are positives for sure and we certainly respect our surgeon and if he was positive about doing it then we would have gone ahead, but I never felt certain that it was the right timing. Her little body has been through so much this past year, I wasn't sure it was ready for this big procedure. Our family has been through so much this year, I wasn't sure I was ready to take on the post-op care, recovery, and learning curve that would have some with the continent diversion. We have a young baby who would have been shuffled around for the next 2-3 weeks while Ellie was inpatient. It seemed like a lot for something I thought of as elective. In my prayer time I have been asking the Lord to give me peace about the surgery. To show me that this is the right time. And then we received the call yesterday. What a clear and powerful answer to prayer.
I am relieved and feel like this is a good decision. I am amazed that our world class surgeon would have the humility to look at all of the issues and choose the best one for Ellie, even if it means a delay. My emotions though, are all over the place. I think having the closure would have helped me put this behind me, but I think I still would have had to deal with what I feel right now. I feel like all of these emotions are flooding out, in a similar way to my post-chemo low. I am so grateful that she is here. I am so grateful that we can now truly find normal. I am looking forward to renewal, to finding our groove as a family again without all of these health issues over our heads. But I feel that if I am truly going to recover from this past two years, I need to close the door on it. Ellie is not cured, she is in remission. Cancer will be a part of our lives for the rest of hers, however long God ordains it. She will have periodic scans. She will have to be followed by urology and dermatology. She will probably have this surgery around the age of 5. But for now we can move on. Close the door to the past two years. Close the door to the unknown and to the fear, and step forward into a life without all of this. Many people have told me that I should write a book. Maybe some day I will, but for now I need a break. A break to think about something other than cancer. So this blog and her caring bridge will go into hibernation for the unforeseeable future. We so appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, support, and encouragement through this time. It has meant the world to our family.